Change change everywhere there's change

Hi everybody. It's been a great while since I last posted on this blog. So great in fact, that I had to recover my password from an email address I not longer possessed! It was a hoop jumping experience but I did well anyway. Life has throw my way a TON of change. I am now one Macgyver short, and one middle of nowhere short as well. I am now a singleton on the cusp of divorce, and I moved the minions and I out to the city in an apartment where being frugal, and gardening have taken a back seat. I've been trying to grow and change with the times and find a routine that's profitable and successful. Heartbreak has been had, by all members of this broken family, and yet somehow we find reasons to smile. I am getting back into the swing of things, but now I work 2 jobs and have one day off, which I spend with the kids doing fun stuff. We swim every Friday at the local rec center since I live so close to it, and we usually always hit up garage sales when it's warm. We try to go to the library every Monday, even though last Monday found me napping peacefully in my bed for 3 hours instead. My minions have had to adapt to living in two places and only seeing their dad part time. They are with me most of the time. They've had to grow up a little more than I would have liked, but all in all, I believe that it was for the best. I will update you now on everything. 

The youngest minion, dubbed "ninja" has successfully completed her requirements in the junior class, and will now be moved up to the older class. She has acquired a yellow/white belt that will turn solid yellow upon her completion of the first promotion. She is now 8 years old, and entering the 3rd grade. I can't believe how big she's gotten. Physically she's tall and lanky but her blue eyes still shine and her brown hair bounces with every step she takes. These days she's usually running away from me, but she always finds time to cuddle. She is her father's baby, so this transition has been most difficult for her. Acting out and getting into fights with her brother have become the norm. I am trying to understand her, and help her find ways to cope while finding my own coping mechanism. Swimming every Friday has helped her out tremendously. She loves to jump in the water and swim away her cares. She is a true water baby. Just like her mama was at one time. She's all attitude but that's not a bad thing necessarily. She's feisty and loveable and innocent. 

The oldest minion, we will call "Einstein", is now in full fledged teenagerhood. He has hair under his arms, and on his face, and his voice is cracking up a storm. He is still incredibly moody yet there is a gentle sweetness to him. He is wicked intelligent, yet I can't help but think some of it goes to waste. He reads books by the bucket full and loves his video games. He will be in 8th grade this year and hopefully I can get him to focus more. This transition has been tough on him as well as the only thing he knew was mom and dad together. He has had anger outbursts and then shuts down. I am trying to keep things consistent with him in hopes that he doesn't stray too far off of what he truly is. He is still playing piano, yet not as vigorously as before, and still the sarcastic little turd I know and love. 

The change has been tough for me as well. In a few weeks, it would have been our 14 year wedding anniversary and it will come and go.  I have felt like a huge failure for a long time because I couldn't make it work no matter what I did. I realize though, that part of the problem was the unwillingness of Macgyver to take any responsibility in the problem. It was all my fault as far as he was concerned, and so I am the bad guy here. I left in September and I haven't looked back. It's been a very rough road for me. I've had to become humble in a lot of ways, and I'm always tired due to having 2 jobs now and hardly any time for myself. Still I soldier on, and in the process have met some great people. I also have learned that love is no my enemy and it is possible to have it in my life, but first I need to start with love for myself, and that often is the toughest thing to understand. I did not love myself before, and I was content to suffer the rest of my life in the deep holes I dug. I look back at previous posts and I shudder because I can remember who that girl was. I can feel what she felt, but now I'm completely different. I feel happier, lighter, freer. I'm in control of my own life now, and nobody can do anything to stop me. I'm sure people have judged, and some have pulled away due to the awkwardness of it, but that's ok. I've made some great new friends whom I never would have known if not for my situation. I've discovered a ton about myself, and realized that I am not a meek, easily intimidated girl. I'm a strong woman who's coming into her own and learning how to deal with whatever life throws at her. I struggle a lot with personal conflict. In the beginning it was, "what the hell am I doing?", followed by " I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life!". Two very real fears. Now I'm content. I am ok with being alone, and I am ok with the situation. My  heart is finally free and so is my body to do as I wish. Nobody owns me and that's a great feeling. I don't know what the future holds for me, but whatever it is, it is already 100% better than what it held for me before. I never want to be trapped again. I need to swim in the currents, and feel the sun on my skin and the love in my heart. I need to know what it's like to give and receive love, and grow. Growing is the most important to me and I try every day to do just that. I don't know what the future holds, but I know what I'm capable of, and trust me, I will do great things.